Forbidden Hero

Friday - 2/22/2008 - Last night's dream

I had a small black kitten, and was going to a vet's office somewhere in town (something routine I think). For some reason I was thinking that D- might be there, an old boss of mine who once worked at a vet's office I went to. When I got there, I went into the small entryway and I could see into the office and the one next to it, becuase the walls were glass or made with full windows and a glass door; but the door was locked. I checked my cell phone, it was about 10. I wondered why they weren't open yet. I gradually remembered that for some reason, the appointment had been for 10:15, not 10, so I had accidentally shown up early.

A guy I knew, around my age, was also there waiting for the office next to it to open, I don't recall what kind of business it was. He was nice looking with floppy dark blond hair, glasses, and looked sort of like somebody who works at my company but whom I don't really know, S-, who has a rather abrasive personality and many people don't care for much. He also looked a little Johnny Depp with his Secret Window persona. I am not sure if he was actually supposed to be that particular coworker, but in the dream I knew him and I knew him about as well as I knew that guy, I think he was a distant coworker if not the same one. But the guy in the dream had a different personality, he was more soft-spoken and quiet, so I think he may have been a different imaginary person who just looked similar.

We said hi and stood waiting. I had something else I was carrying besides the kitten, maybe another better behaved cat, or just some other object, but I was having a hard time keeping the kitten contained. It was sweet and black and fluffy. Then it managed to escape. The guy, who hadn't been saying much up to this point, helped me corner it but then it got away again. I crept after it, meowing and calling here kitty kitty. Unfortunately at that age it wasn't really trained to come unless it wanted to, and it was both curious as to where it was and scared of the unfamiliar surroundings. When I would almost catch up with it, it would get away again. We were right on a street and I was very panicky. The guy helped me try to capture it. Then, it ran into the street. I was petrified that it was going to be hit by a car, as they were going back and forth. He ran after it and managed to catch it and brought it back to me.

I was overcome with gratitude and thanked him profusely. He brushed off the thanks, pleased but a little embarassed. I kept telling how much I appreciated him catching the kitten. Then I felt that I just had to hug him, thanking him wasn't enough, and I was just too happy that he'd helped, also I was recovering from being really upset about the kitten almost getting run over but getting saved, and I needed a hug too. (note: I am not really a huggy, or even touchy, person with people I don't know!). I hugged him tightly, thanking him. At first he wasn't sure what to do but then I felt him respond to the hug and he hugged me back in a real hug, very gentle and comforting. It felt really good and neither of us broke it off. Then I felt guiltily intimate as I could feel how tenderly he held me against him, (and how much I liked it) and we slowly drew back a bit. He asked a little shyly if I would like to go out for coffee or something, sometime. When I looked up at his eyes I could see he was looking at me differently now, with hope and the fearful anticipation of wanting someone you don't have yet. "Oh, I'm so sorry," I said, realizing I had given him the wrong impression, "I can't; I'm married." I really was sorry, and sad. I knew that he'd only ventured to ask because of my warmth towards him, which had started innocently and ended up feeling like more, this was my fault and I felt terrible (it didn't help that I felt tempted too, if I hadn't been married). He was sad but didn't venture anything else, and the dream ended.

Why do I always end up married in these dreams and unmarried in some pointless ones? :P But I just realized something when I thought back over this dream. See, I abruptly lost the ability to fantasize 2-3 years ago, and I couldn't get it back, which I found very frustrating especially when my husband was gone for a year. I had the rest of my imagination and I could relive memories and stuff, but I couldn't weave a romantic fantasy/rescue scene/etc. like before. It's back (consciously, not just in dreams)! I have to think this is a good thing :).