Jumping From Old and Bad to New and Scary (and maybe Good?)

Thursday night's/Friday morning's dream - 6/27/2008

This dream is long with several "sections." I think the first section is "connected" to the latter parts but I'm not %100 sure... the other parts are definitely connected though. There was a lot more detail to the first part and it was much longer than appears here, but I couldn't remember enough of the minor details.

At the beginning of the dream, I am no longer married, and it's been a while. What has happened to result in this (divorce? death?) isn't really addressed. I am at my parents house. My cousin expresses interest in me and keeps inviting me over, etc, I find this extremely distasteful. Other people in the family seem to support this though and think we will end up together Finally I just tell him I'm not ready for anything (really I can't imagine anything more disgusting) he is disappointed but leaves me alone. There is more involving him preparing a room and loaning me a book which has been given to him by some relatives (I don't remember what it was called but it was something about sex) but I can't remember all the details.

In the same section of the dream, our neighbor B-, shows up and is visiting the family at Grandma's. He looks younger with dark hair and beard. He sits down on the couch squished right up against me which makes me very uncomfortable. My mother asks lightly why doesn't he come sit by here, as she can see that I don't like this, but he says no, he is going to sit by me because I'm the only one that is single. I really dislike this. Also for some reason everybody else is calling him Charles, and this confuses me because this is not his name.

My overall feeling in both parts of the first section is of distaste and disgust, unhappy with the way people are interacting with me, their approaches repulse me.

The middle section... I am walking across a high, open place, maybe on top of a hill. I come into a very large, white room. It has huge windows all across one wall which look out over a cliff, very high up. Another woman is in the room, maybe someone I know, I don't remember. She is also dressed in white. I may be as well.

As she turns away to exit at one side of the room, I walk quickly across the room. I don't want her to see me come in because she will stop me. I open one of the giant windows. I want to jump out. I am dreaming lucidly at this point, that is, I'm aware that it's a dream and I seem to be able to control my actions to some extent. I hesitate but I tell myself, this is a dream, I'm not suicidal, I can jump and I will not die. But the other woman doesn't know this, she will misinterpret my actions. So when her back is turned I quickly step outside the window. I stand on the edge looking down. I remind myself this is a dream, brace myself, and jump. I am falling, falling, and I can feel the falling and am a little scared.

Then I land at the bottom of the cliff, unharmed. It is a narrow strip of beach and the tide is washing in all the way up to the base of the cliff when the waves come up. I start walking along on the narrow strip of beach, dashing between waves, or wading through the shallow water when the wave retreats. There is a small beach town in the distance which I am walking towards. In between the waves on the beach I find a giant shell, sort of like a clamshell but very large, at least 8 inches across and 5 deep. The two halves are separated but they fit together. The color is amazing and like nothing I have ever seen before, it is metallic gold and shimmering with all different colors. After wondering at it, I stop and pray, please let me keep this shell once I wake up, just this one, that's all I'll ask for.

A short time later: I end up staying in the house on the beach, at the town I was walking towards.. I'm not dreaming lucidly anymore just regular dreaming. The house is sort of similar to my apartment layout except there are several floors. It's also more richly and nicely decorated. I believe it belongs to my mother or she is renting it, or it belongs to friends of hers. I come in in the evening and my sister is laying on the couch, possibly asleep. I don't say anything to her. When I get up again in the morning and go into the kitchen she is still on the couch, but I sort of pretend not to notice she is there and start puttering in the kitchen. Eventually I look through the "window" between the living room and the kitchen and see that she has her eyes open and is reading or something. I say, "Oh! I didn't know you were there. When did you get here?" She says she has been there since last night and I say sorry, I didn't know she was there (I'm not sure why I'm claiming this). She seems slightly annoyed that I didn't see her.

Later on, I have gone out somewhere with my sister and I go back to the beach house alone. Some cleaning people are going to come or are already there and I'm supposed to pay them. Somehow I have already looked up that they only accept cash, and they don't charge up front but they will charge you an hourly fee when the cleaning is done.

I go in a ground-floor door to get something, quietly, I don't know if they are there yet. I'm supposed to be keeping the floor clean, it has a white carpet, but I look back and see that my boots have made large, muddy, wet tracks on the carpet. I quickly grab some paper towels and try to sort of soak up the footprints, then I look up and see that the cleaning people are there and they are already almost done.

There is a woman probably 40 or so with dark hair, and a younger man closer to my age with brown curly hair. They are very friendly and tell me not to worry about the footprints, they will get them. I apologize profusely. While they are finishing up, I gather up the stuff I need, I have a white scarf with a bright pink pattern on it that I really like, and I put it on and dress to go out. I come out and also lay out another scarf I have, which has a multi-colored pattern on it with scenes of rivers, boats, and stylized jumping salmon. It also has metallic color patches in places.

As I wait, the cleaning people talk to someone from the house next to us. She pays them and the woman gives her some kind of gold pin. Then they come talk to me. The woman takes me aside and lays a very large gold and silver decorative pin on top of the metallic scarf that I have laid out on the table. It matches perfectly. I want to refuse such an extravagant gift but I know she gave a token to the last people they cleaned house for, so maybe it is their custom. She then explains the pattern of the scarf for me, explaining what it symbolizes in my life, sort of like a fortune teller. She mentions a trip.

Then I talk to her and the young man about payment... I ask timidly if they will accept a check, as I heard that they would only accept cash. But I have just realized that I don't have enough cash, I spent most of it for lunch at a place which also only took cash. I am very anxious and somewhat ashamed as they have already cleaned. They both smile at me and say they will accept my check. I tell them it's not a local check (I don't actually live in this beach house usually of course) and they smile and say it is okay. I can't understand why they are being so nice to me, it's clear I'm getting special treatment, but I'm confused, though flattered. The guy is flirting with me too, and I like him but I'm not sure if they are for real. I ask them how much they charge per hour, and they say that I don't have to pay anything. I insist and they smile and ask what I think is a reasonable price?

I am flustered, I don't know what to say or what is reasonable, I don't want to name something too low... if I name something too high will they bring it down to what they want, or will they take it? Maybe this is a trick they use to get more money? They seem like they are being so nice to me, so I decide I will name a high amount that I'm sure is over (something like 50 dollars/hour) and if they don't bring it down I'll just eat the difference. But they laugh and won't take this price either, and they keep saying that it can be free, just for me.

My feeling in the later part of the dream here is of confusion and anxiousness (over the paying issues) but I'm also pleasantly suprised and pleased at how they are treating me and how nice they are being, especially the guy (even though I find this confusing too... do they really just love me or is there somethign else going on that I don't know?).

Little Fire On The Prairie

Wednesday night/Thursday morning (6/26)

I had two dreams from this night that I remembered very clearly until I was just getting ready to write them down, and somebody said something that annoyed me. Poof! The first dream was gone just like that and I haven't been able to remember anything else about it since. I was myself in it, though. So here is the second dream:

I am "Laura" in the "Little House" series. We arrive to the prairie for the first time. There is a long straight line of the edge of a woods with tall trees on the prairie next to where we are going to put our house, and I quite surprised. I point out this to my father (Pa, in this case), saying I didn't realize that there would be woods here. The woods is different though, the trees have no low branches and the space between them is clear, like the rest of the prairie.

A little bit later we become aware of smoke coming from a neighbor's house up on a huge hill nearby. We run towards it. As we get closer we join lots of other people running in the same direction. When we get there the house or barn is well on fire and we are all coming to help, although what exactly we are supposed to do I don't know. My mother (Ma) tells me to go get on a cart. There is a cart with a bunch of stuff and people in it pulled by two large tan oxen. She tells me to drive it over the edge of the hill, where it will be safe (this is both something I can do to help, as a young child, and a safe place for me, apparently). I climb onto the cart and drive them, they are eager to run and they go over the edge of the hill, which is a huge cliff. This is what I'm supposed to do, however. I am concerned as the cart tips forward rather than staying level and lands in a crash at the bottom, breaking a bunch of stuff. But everybody is happy, only one occupant of the cart was killed as a result of the fall, and I've gotten it away from the fire.

I remember being aware of several incongruities in this dream as it was happening, such as things that didn't match the actual books or even logically things, but I dismissed them because this "wasn't really the book". The level of awareness wasn't quite to the point of realizing this was a dream but it was more than usually occurs in dreams.

A Reunion But It's Not Him

Tuesday night/wed morning (6/25)

I am at my apartment and my old friend S- and his brother M- are coming to visit. I am anxious and nervous about this. I have not seen S- for a very long time and I don't know if I still have feelings for him or not. His brother M- arrives first and sits on the couch and talks to me for a long time. He doesn't look anything like he did when I saw him before. He acts like he knows me but really I never knew him very well. His face is haggard and he is sort of melancholy, but tries to cheer me up. He talks about me and S- (who will arrive in a bit) and says that he always knew we would end up together, so I shouldn't worry, we will be together eventually. I say that I doubt that. He says don't worry, it will happen, you're meant to be together. I said you are forgetting, I'm married now, and show him my rings. This doesn't seem to change his mind though (or the fact that this may not be what either of us want).

S- comes in but he sits far at the other end of the couch, facing slightly away so I cannot see his face. Now that he's here I feel excited and a little scared, worried, with butterflies, like I used to feel when I was around him, but more nervous because it's been so long (and I'm not really supposed to be meeting him anyway). I jump up and prepare stuff in the kitchen, trying to clear away ants that have come in. Eventually he joins me in the kitchen. My excitement fades though as he goes about preparing some food, because he doesn't look right anymore. When I first saw him he did, but now he looks more like AM-, another person I used to be friends with, and I find him not at all appealing. I'm a little dismayed by this and eventually I decide it's not him at all, and I am not happy to see the other guy. He's acting all friendly and like we are still friends, and pretending to be S-, which makes me mad.

Moderately Bad But Vague Straits

First I am preparing with somebody else, possibly my sister, to go to a dance or some kind of party. This preparation takes a long time... adjusting hair, clothes, makeup, etc. I'm not really looking forward to it either and am very nervous.

Then after we get there I think, the dream morphs briefly into being about the house itself. There are two people in it, a husband and wife, and the house is somehow evil and possessing them. It talks to them, starting with the wife, and calls her on the phone. When it talks to them it uses the voice of the other person (but they know it's the house) and it causes them to start behaving strangely. The house is interested in them in a way houses normally are not, and it has sinister overtones.

Change of scene, I am now at college. I am moving my meager belongings into a small apartment (I guess it's dorm housing but it looks like an apartment). While I'm putting away things in a kitchen with lots of wood paneling, my assigned roommate arrives. She is a bit spacey and we talk a bit, I am hoping she will be nice. As we talk about ourselves to get to know each other it comes out that she is a party animal and likes to be fairly wild. I'm kind of disappointed thinking this won't work out so well. I offer to show her around the area, at any rate (the location seems to be somewhat like where I live now). I start talking about the grocery store and how good it is, then go into talking about the other grocery stores in the area and how they rank. Then I offer to take her next door and show her the grocery store, which is very close. I can tell after I say this that she is thinking a grocery store tour or any enthusiasm about it at all is fairly lame. She says that maybe she'll check out the store later. Then she goes out onto the front porch and runs into my sister, and I see them talking. For some reason she really likes my sister, and she pops in later to say that she is going to the grocery store with my sister. They leave. I'm somewhat bummed out about this and feeling sorry for myself, I wash the dishes.

Now I'm finished with college and I'm living at my parent's home again. This is the largest cohesive period of the dream. We are sitting out on the front porch when 5 or 6 people come up the trail, they appear to be Muslim. They call out asking if we have read the pamphlets they left here last time (before I came home from college) and if they agree or disagree with them; they would like to get together to discuss. One of the women walks up to me, grabs my hand and shakes it rather roughly, and tells me that my faith is suffering. I am quite offended by their methods, and I tell them so. I pat her roughly on the shoulder right back, resulting in rather wide scared eyes, and tell her is that anyway to treat another Muslim? And I tell her she should not be proselytizing and dropping off pamphlets, this is not the way of Islam. And she should not be marching up to people telling them they need to get their faith in shape. Is this any way to behave? This is not following Islam. She should take a gentle approach and they should not be proselytizing people leaving pamphlets, this is something that I despise about various christian relgions. I go on ranting for quite some time, although I don't know if I really get through. They ask again if any of us want to get together to discuss the material in the pamphlets, which I DO NOT, and then hurry away, somewhat afraid of my outburst. I'm quite out of sorts about the whole thing.

Later I am inside and I see a small book in a slipcover on the shelf. The cover looks like sort of an imitation (but not an actual imitation, just trying to look similar) of Calvin and Hobbes. I kind of glance over it and ignore it. My brother asks to borrow some more money, for a car or something, and I reluctantly loan it to him after he pleads about how he doesn't have any and he just needs this to get started. This is not the first time in the dream. Later (time has passed) my father comes in, he talks to me about how he has decided he has to add a children's book to his book collection to finally make a well rounded offering in order to sell pictures. He has already written one but nobody (relatives he's shown it to) thinks it's a good one to use. I ask to see it and he goes and gets the book I saw earlier. When I look inside I see that the cover was not related really and it's a sort of comic strip in color about some animal characters. One of them is a penguin, I don't remember the other one (maybe a small bear?). I take it to go read through it, quite enjoying it. Although I'm not sure if a very young child would appreciate all of the jokes, I still think it's good. I also use the computer for a bit. I have a spreadsheet which includes how much money my brother owes me back by now, which is 1500 (accumulated over several months). It's not really clear why I'm living at home again but I seem to be set up with my actual bed and a desk and computer, and have been there for some time now in the dream.

I am out in the kitchen later washing up and my brother and father are talking, and my father asks my brother how much he has saved up from his job. My brother says 4500. I turn around exclaiming, then why haven't you paid me back yet?? You said you didn't have anything. My brother is somewhat embarrassed and makes an excuse. Then my father asks me after my brother has gone, how much he owes me. I explain that he now owes me 1500 but I thought he didn't have anything, and now I find out that he does but hasn't paid me! My father says he will pay me the money and my brother can owe him, he doesn't seem to like the idea of my brother borrowing money from me, something to do with the situation I'm in now (again I'm not sure what situation that is but it seems to have resulted in me moving back home). I offer to show my father the spreadsheet on the computer, but he says there is no need. He starts looking through things inthe house, presumably for some money he has stashed away, but he doesn't end up finding it. Then he asks me to join him "down the stairs". This confuses me becuase there are no stairs and at any rate he's out on the porch. I try to get him to explain but eventually chock it up to not understanding. We walk down the trail. I tell him that I'm enjoying the book, although I haven't finished it yet, and I think it's quite good. We end up going over to my aunt and uncle's house accross the way, which is mildly surprising to me, but I decided he must be keeping some money there with my uncle from his book sales. This is in fact hte case.

It is quite early morning now, I realize, and my aunt, uncle, and cousins are getting breakfast together. I join them in the kitchen while my father talks to my uncle and goes upstairs, presumably to get the money. There is a large pan of flatbread in the oven and it is pulled out so everybody can take some. My uncle asks me about the money thing and I explain briefly to him. My brother is there in the kitchen too, somehow. He helps himself to the flatbread, but he is touching multiple pieces and biting some and putting them back, which I reprimand him for. My uncle hands me a piece of bread which he has eaten part of. I am confused. He points out that the edges are all burnt (he's just showing me, not expecting me to eat it, it turns out). He complains that nobody can cook the bread like he likes it here, they always burn it. It is indeed true and some of them are very burnt, but my aunt and cousin look grumpy about him mentioning this.

In fact my brother has never borrowed money from me but someone else does owe me that exact amount and probably is not going to pay it back, which has caused a lot of grouchiness from me, at myself too for lending it (again).

Overthrowing the Bad People

6/22/2008 Saturday night's dream

This dream follow the life of a guy who is living in some kind of communist/big brother type oppressive regime, in an undetermined (and specifically not mentioned) country. I am basically his character. It starts when he is just a kid, the 3rd or 4th boy in a family of seven children, and follows as he grows up, which goes on for some time but I can't remember most of that part of the dream. The last part is the clearest, which was just before I woke up. In the final part, he and a group of others break into this heavily guarded control building, which is mostly concrete and with many individually sealed rooms that have to be broken through. They get into the radio system and broadcast a message that the people are uprising, and they are the guards that have been sent to suppress them, to first evade capture. Then the evil people start coming from the other direction, they fight them off. At one point they have broken into a room, when a guard enters from the other side and sees them, they slam the door to the room and lock it, and the main character tells another person to flip the switch, it heats the room up to an unbearable degree. But the door isn't locked as he told her to do, and when he stops holding it shut, the person starts to force their way out, with a great heat which would kill them all. He manages to slam the door on the guy's head and lock it, it severs the head. There's a lot of gory fighting of this nature as they valiantly make their way in, after all these years of secret organization. When they are able to reopen the incineration room (which was designed for punishing citizens or people who broke in, presumably), they grapple with even more guards. Then they break their way through to wear regular populations are held inside. They have the idea to broadcast the message about the uprising again, as they are fighting, but this time the common people hear it and it gives them the energy to rise up themselves, thinking others of them are rising up, and thus at this turning point our heroes are able to overthrow the guards and with the help of everybody else rising up together, take control of the facility.

Clutter Cleaning and A Morphing Baby

6/20/2008 - Thursday night/Friday morning's dream

First I had agreed to look after my riding instructor's farm while she was away, but then before I got out there, there was a lot of severe flooding and the road became impassible. Also it was quite far away from where I live now so I don't know why I agreed to it in the first place. I drove out to where the flood waters were and contemplated going around them, but I decided it was impossible and went back to my parent's house, feeling guilty for not being able to get out there. I think I also went over to the chicken yard, it was still pouring rain and there were a lot of wet chickens and cats.

Then, I went to some very old house-combo-barn with my mother and brother. The owner of the house was selling it and they needed to get rid of all their stuff, and for some reason my mother had agreed to get it ready for sale (I think the person was a friend of hers). But getting it ready for sale really meant packing up ALL the junk that was in the house, presumably putting it in boxes, and doing something with it (selling it maybe? the person said she didn't want it). The entire place was top to bottom full of knickknacks, almost impenetrable, along with everyday living items like food and dishes in the cupboards and furniture. The furniture was staying to be sold with the house but the rest of it had to go. There was an adjoining part of the house that I think had people still living in it, but they weren't there at the moment.

We picked our way through, not even sure where to start. I stepped into one room sort of like a barn loft (maybe it was a barn loft) and the floor was so old it simply gave way, with me on it. It fell slowly, luckily, and I didn't fall off but fell with it and landed on the floor below on top of the piece of floor that had given way. I was without injury (my mother and brother yelled helpful comments as I fell, like "lean back to keep your balance!"). There were also a lot of cats in the house, of all shapes and sizes, sitting around on the furniture and in ceramic dishes and other knickknacky items. We weren't sure what to do with them either. Faced with the enormity of the tasks, my brother and I decided to find something to eat. We managed to locate some cereal in a cupboard and were looking for related items, but I wasn't sure if we were still in the half of the house where we were supposed to be packing (where they weren't going to care if we ate anything since it was all being got rid of) or in the adjoining part where people still lived. There were a lot of used dishes sitting out, which seemed to indicate the latter... we got our cereal and tiptoed back into the main part of the house to begin the task.

Then later on I am back at my apartment, I have given birth to a very peculiar baby. It is tiny, smaller than my hand, and I think oh no, it's really early, what if something is wrong? I also worry that there are some people I haven't even told I'm pregnant yet, and here I am giving birth! Then there is the appearance of the thing. It has wrinkled reddish skin as one might expect, but is shaped sort of like a dinosaur or an alien, with a long head and pointy snout and also it has long claws. I try nursing it anyway. It does not nurse very long but then it grows and changes. I nurse it some more and each time it nurses for a few seconds and seems to grow. I am happy about this and relax about its appearance because it gradually morphs into a normal sized and normal looking baby (not before my eyes, the change is not perceptible while watching it, it just seems to happen). But then, it keeps growing. It grows into a girl who is at least 8 if not older, and clothed. She has black straight hair bobbed at her ears and is slightly chubby. I am surprised that she looks so old already, and she talks to me in a matter of fact way.

The Ache of Emptiness and Comfort

Wednesday Night/Thursday Morning - Last dream series of the night

I am in college in class. One of the classes I've been attending, which is the one I'm in now, I've been kind of slacking off on. The teacher, who looks sort of like my old math teacher from CC (but the topic is not math, it's something to do with history) plays a movie at each class and at the last class we had a paper to write in class. As I'd totally been spacing out during the previous class and the paper related to the movie, I had done pretty badly.

Now I'm back at the next class, deciding I better start paying attention and taking notes during the movie, since I'm doing pretty badly. There are 3 or 4 other people who show up for class that day, and we are seated around a long table with the far end pointing at the TV where the movie will be shown.

One of guys in class has been really irritating me, he always makes smart aleck remarks at me or acts sarcastic, and it is annoying. This happens at each class. I can't clearly remember much about how he looks now but he had shaggy light brown hair that was several inches long at least and was probably around my age or slightly older. I knew him from the class at the time, and his name, but I can't recall that either. This class I am seated at the very end of the long table, with people scattered on either side, waiting for the teacher to come in. I am slouched down in my chair, with my notebook out, feeling very discouraged and kind of depressed and unhappy, presumably about the class, but really as I've been feeling a lot lately. All signs kind of indicate to stay away from me.

Shaggy hair guy comes in and sits down next to me at the end of the table (not a usual occurrence) and makes one of his "funny" remarks as usual. I am weary, but at some level I appreciate that he does talk to me each time, there's some level of affection there I realize. There is scattered talk about having to pay attention to the movie this time becuase we'll probably have to write about it. The teacher comes in and starts to play the movie, and shaggy hair guy leans against to me very softly and rests his head on top of mine. I lay my head on his shoulder. It feels SO good I almost cry. I feel so comforted in my misery and lean back against him and we stay like that, he rests his hand tenderly on my head or my shoulder and we just lean together for the movie not really paying attention after all, or to any remarks from the teacher or others. I am aching inside with how good it feels to be held like this. The fact that I previously thought he was annoying is completely gone, and that this is wrong doesn't even matter because it touches the pain so much.

Something wakes me up at this point and I feel so empty, and want to go back to that feeling in the dream. I go back to sleep trying to get back to it, and though I end up going back to school again in the continuing dream, I can't get back to that scene or the guy.

In the continuing dream, it's the next quarter starting, first day. I am still hoping to run into him again and recapture the comfort of the previous dream. I am back at my parents house, packing up for school early in the morning, and with my are my sister and either a cousin or my brother, I'm not sure. We all get our stuff together. As we are leaving there's some altercation on the road involving my aunt and uncle and our dog. We go down to see what's going on, apparently they think he was doing something wrong and are yelling at him. He barks and another dog, a female, comes running down the hill at his call. Apparently this is also our dog but relatively new. She is a German Shepard like him, but her coat is actually white with pink vertical stripes, much like a pair of pants I used to have. She has another name but our dog calls her Cornelius. My father comes down to the commotion and I ask her if this is really her name, and he says he guesses it's the right name, as that's what the other dog has been calling her and it seems to fit.

As my father is handling the dog situation, whatever it was, we get into the car and drive into school. It's unclear what college campus this is, really, it sort of morphs between CC and EWU and this other version of EWU that has appeared in some of my other dreams. It's quite early in the morning, about 20 to 7.

My sister and I part ways in a classroom and arrange where we will meet, after some discussion we decide to meet in the "blue classroom with the cartoon characters painted on the walls". Both of us can picture and remember this room but neither of us actually remember exactly where it is, but we are sure we will find it. I can't remember where my first class is, although I know it starts at 7:30. There is an enormous clock on the wall in the classroom I'm in, where my sister and I split up, but I can't tell if it says 6:30 or 7:30. At first I think it's 6:30 but then when I look closer it appears to be 7:30. I finally ask some other people in the room, and they assure me that it is 6:30 but the clock is set wrong. I hope this is true, and I hurry off the the library to print off my schedule so I can find my first class. Hopefully it will have the same guy in it (one of the classes I'm taking is the same class, continuing the previous one, so it should).

I set off for the campus library. I am carrying a very awkward bag of stuff. In addition to my lunch and a pair of very dirty hiking boots, and school stuff, I also have 4 very large and awkward ceramic vases that I made in a previous class. I don't know why I'm hauling them around except that I'm hoping to show them to somebody, but I really am thinking I should have left them at home. I'm afraid they will break and it's very difficult to carry them all. I think I eventually decide to put them back in the van so I don't have to haul them around.

I wake up again before I make it back to the comfort of the shaggy haired guy, and I can still feel that loss in my chest. The emptiness was already there but he made me aware of it by comforting it, so when the comfort is taken away, I feel the ache more strongly.