A Confusing and Uncomfortable Workout

Friday, 8/22/2008
Last night's dream

There's a lot that happens before this, but it's already disappearing.

In the last part of the dream, I drive up to some sort of festival or fair outdoors in a country area. There are booths set up to sell stuff. You are supposed to pay to enter it but I am not there for the festival. I park my car there anyway and walk up to S- Hall, which is on a ridge nearby (not in its usual place). I am early for Taekwon-do class. My instructor is already there, stretching on the floor. My sister is also here for class and possibly my mother. I am feeling tired and I don't know how my Taekwon-do suit will fit over my pregnant stomach. I go into the women's bathroom to change clothes. After I get undressed I discover that I don't have a tee shirt to go under my Taekwon-do top. I feel exhausted. There is a bed in the room with white sheets and a quilt so I lay down on it. After a few moments there I realize someone else is already in the bed! It's some guy! I don't know who he is, he looks maybe around my age, youngish, probably with some Chinese ethnicity. I kick him awake yelling at him, and attempt to cover myself with the quilt (he on the other hand is wearing something). He wakes up slowly, and I ask, "are you a man?" (He looks like a man but I've been mistaken before on occasion, and this IS the women's room). He says that yes he is. I point out that this is the women's bathroom and he should get out of here, NOW! He is sleepy and somewhat amused looking, and says that he knows it's the women's bathroom. After additional prodding and yelling he hauls himself out and leaves. My instructor and my mother come in due to the yelling and I point out indignantly that he was in there. They don't seem as concerned, like they thought my yelling was about a real problem, and indicate I should get dressed.

I go to put on my Taekwon-do suit. At first I decide to put on the top without any undershirt since I don't have one (I don't know what I was wearing before but apparently it wasn't suitable. I don't have a bra either though, so this will be uncomfortable. Then I see there is a rather ugly yellow and black patterned shirt in the bathroom with snaps up the front, made of a thin material. I actually think this probably belongs to the guy who was in here, but it seems clean and I decide to wear it anyway, and I put it on under my Taekwon-do top. I go out and join the rest of the class. My instructor calls out the first forms and I try to get started, but everybody is going every which way overlapping my area and confusing me, they all seem to be doing different things. There is loud music playing in the background too which starts when the form stops, and stops again when it stops. After some mistakes I finally finish, after everyone else. My instructor acknowledges that it must have been difficult with everybody getting in the way (as opposed to me having not done my forms in a while) and tries to space us out a bit more. We do the next form, the loud distracting music starts again although the people don't get in the way as much, so it's very confusing.

We take our Taekwon-do tops off, then I discover that the shirt I'm wearing under it has popped open in the front. It seems they aren't really snaps but little hook things. I call over my instructor and tell her that my tee-shirt has come apart. I am hoping she has a backup tee shirt but apparently she doesn't, so I decide to just go to the bathroom again and put on my Taekwon-do top with nothing under it. She is concerned that I will overheat with my Taekwon-do top on, in my condition, but there is nothing for it. I go into a stall and change. When I come out, I see my mother and instructor are there chatting with two older guys who have set up a little table in the main part of the bathroom with food. This is special stuff they've brought in for our class. There are three dishes: a pot of spicy chili with crackers on top of it, a milder sort of soup or bean dish, and a vegetable dish which is rather odd, it's made with several different whole roasted vegetables, one of each. The man who cooked them said he personally doesn't like to add the green pepper, but that is the way his parents used to make it so he still makes it that way to remember how. After I change I come out and sample two of the dishes (I avoid the spicy chili due to my recent reactions to spicy food). I also find a discarded bunch of slightly dusty but very firm green grapes and eat a handful of those. Everyone else files out to class. The cook of the food tells me that I need to talk to him about getting proper nutrition, in a disapproving sort of way. I say I will but will have to do it later, making excuses, and go back out to class.

There's another part of the dream slightly later which involves climbing into some kind of attic or loft, and my sister and her boyfriend are up there with me... but I don't remember exactly what happens.

Jumping From Old and Bad to New and Scary (and maybe Good?)

Thursday night's/Friday morning's dream - 6/27/2008

This dream is long with several "sections." I think the first section is "connected" to the latter parts but I'm not %100 sure... the other parts are definitely connected though. There was a lot more detail to the first part and it was much longer than appears here, but I couldn't remember enough of the minor details.

At the beginning of the dream, I am no longer married, and it's been a while. What has happened to result in this (divorce? death?) isn't really addressed. I am at my parents house. My cousin expresses interest in me and keeps inviting me over, etc, I find this extremely distasteful. Other people in the family seem to support this though and think we will end up together Finally I just tell him I'm not ready for anything (really I can't imagine anything more disgusting) he is disappointed but leaves me alone. There is more involving him preparing a room and loaning me a book which has been given to him by some relatives (I don't remember what it was called but it was something about sex) but I can't remember all the details.

In the same section of the dream, our neighbor B-, shows up and is visiting the family at Grandma's. He looks younger with dark hair and beard. He sits down on the couch squished right up against me which makes me very uncomfortable. My mother asks lightly why doesn't he come sit by here, as she can see that I don't like this, but he says no, he is going to sit by me because I'm the only one that is single. I really dislike this. Also for some reason everybody else is calling him Charles, and this confuses me because this is not his name.

My overall feeling in both parts of the first section is of distaste and disgust, unhappy with the way people are interacting with me, their approaches repulse me.

The middle section... I am walking across a high, open place, maybe on top of a hill. I come into a very large, white room. It has huge windows all across one wall which look out over a cliff, very high up. Another woman is in the room, maybe someone I know, I don't remember. She is also dressed in white. I may be as well.

As she turns away to exit at one side of the room, I walk quickly across the room. I don't want her to see me come in because she will stop me. I open one of the giant windows. I want to jump out. I am dreaming lucidly at this point, that is, I'm aware that it's a dream and I seem to be able to control my actions to some extent. I hesitate but I tell myself, this is a dream, I'm not suicidal, I can jump and I will not die. But the other woman doesn't know this, she will misinterpret my actions. So when her back is turned I quickly step outside the window. I stand on the edge looking down. I remind myself this is a dream, brace myself, and jump. I am falling, falling, and I can feel the falling and am a little scared.

Then I land at the bottom of the cliff, unharmed. It is a narrow strip of beach and the tide is washing in all the way up to the base of the cliff when the waves come up. I start walking along on the narrow strip of beach, dashing between waves, or wading through the shallow water when the wave retreats. There is a small beach town in the distance which I am walking towards. In between the waves on the beach I find a giant shell, sort of like a clamshell but very large, at least 8 inches across and 5 deep. The two halves are separated but they fit together. The color is amazing and like nothing I have ever seen before, it is metallic gold and shimmering with all different colors. After wondering at it, I stop and pray, please let me keep this shell once I wake up, just this one, that's all I'll ask for.

A short time later: I end up staying in the house on the beach, at the town I was walking towards.. I'm not dreaming lucidly anymore just regular dreaming. The house is sort of similar to my apartment layout except there are several floors. It's also more richly and nicely decorated. I believe it belongs to my mother or she is renting it, or it belongs to friends of hers. I come in in the evening and my sister is laying on the couch, possibly asleep. I don't say anything to her. When I get up again in the morning and go into the kitchen she is still on the couch, but I sort of pretend not to notice she is there and start puttering in the kitchen. Eventually I look through the "window" between the living room and the kitchen and see that she has her eyes open and is reading or something. I say, "Oh! I didn't know you were there. When did you get here?" She says she has been there since last night and I say sorry, I didn't know she was there (I'm not sure why I'm claiming this). She seems slightly annoyed that I didn't see her.

Later on, I have gone out somewhere with my sister and I go back to the beach house alone. Some cleaning people are going to come or are already there and I'm supposed to pay them. Somehow I have already looked up that they only accept cash, and they don't charge up front but they will charge you an hourly fee when the cleaning is done.

I go in a ground-floor door to get something, quietly, I don't know if they are there yet. I'm supposed to be keeping the floor clean, it has a white carpet, but I look back and see that my boots have made large, muddy, wet tracks on the carpet. I quickly grab some paper towels and try to sort of soak up the footprints, then I look up and see that the cleaning people are there and they are already almost done.

There is a woman probably 40 or so with dark hair, and a younger man closer to my age with brown curly hair. They are very friendly and tell me not to worry about the footprints, they will get them. I apologize profusely. While they are finishing up, I gather up the stuff I need, I have a white scarf with a bright pink pattern on it that I really like, and I put it on and dress to go out. I come out and also lay out another scarf I have, which has a multi-colored pattern on it with scenes of rivers, boats, and stylized jumping salmon. It also has metallic color patches in places.

As I wait, the cleaning people talk to someone from the house next to us. She pays them and the woman gives her some kind of gold pin. Then they come talk to me. The woman takes me aside and lays a very large gold and silver decorative pin on top of the metallic scarf that I have laid out on the table. It matches perfectly. I want to refuse such an extravagant gift but I know she gave a token to the last people they cleaned house for, so maybe it is their custom. She then explains the pattern of the scarf for me, explaining what it symbolizes in my life, sort of like a fortune teller. She mentions a trip.

Then I talk to her and the young man about payment... I ask timidly if they will accept a check, as I heard that they would only accept cash. But I have just realized that I don't have enough cash, I spent most of it for lunch at a place which also only took cash. I am very anxious and somewhat ashamed as they have already cleaned. They both smile at me and say they will accept my check. I tell them it's not a local check (I don't actually live in this beach house usually of course) and they smile and say it is okay. I can't understand why they are being so nice to me, it's clear I'm getting special treatment, but I'm confused, though flattered. The guy is flirting with me too, and I like him but I'm not sure if they are for real. I ask them how much they charge per hour, and they say that I don't have to pay anything. I insist and they smile and ask what I think is a reasonable price?

I am flustered, I don't know what to say or what is reasonable, I don't want to name something too low... if I name something too high will they bring it down to what they want, or will they take it? Maybe this is a trick they use to get more money? They seem like they are being so nice to me, so I decide I will name a high amount that I'm sure is over (something like 50 dollars/hour) and if they don't bring it down I'll just eat the difference. But they laugh and won't take this price either, and they keep saying that it can be free, just for me.

My feeling in the later part of the dream here is of confusion and anxiousness (over the paying issues) but I'm also pleasantly suprised and pleased at how they are treating me and how nice they are being, especially the guy (even though I find this confusing too... do they really just love me or is there somethign else going on that I don't know?).

Tracking an Bad Guy around Seattle

Wednesday June 18th - Last night's dream

I had a whole series of dreams last night--the last one causing me to awake feeling depressed--but this one, which was somewhere in the middle, I remember most of:

I was trailing this person as part of my work (I guess I was some kind of detective); I think my sister was with me as well, but she was just accompanying me. The suspect, was a tall very fat man with gray hair and a beard. We followed him all over Seattle, in my car and on foot, tracking him. I think I also had to get something away from him, possibly as evidence of the crimes he'd committed, because at one point while he was at a store, I think a clothing store, we trapped him in the changing room and took some papers out of his suitcase. I struggled with him some and up until this point I don't think he knew who we were, but I had to get the papers. I had some contact by cell phone with the office that was directing me. At another point we were passing a department store in the evening (it was pouring rain) and I saw my friend H- just inside the door, looking out! I opened the door and greeted her, she was very surprised to see me but invited us back to her house. We went and may have stayed with her that night, and also helped her finish up the shopping she was doing first; she was throwing some kind of get together I think for friends of her husband and she'd had to make a lot of food, and now had to buy some other things. One of the stores we went to was a European brand which I now can't remember the name of, their logo was a large somewhat digitized image of a fly. I think the name had something to do with this. (I don't think this is an actual brand, but it was well known in the dream). It was supposed to be really good, but rather expensive... I'd not bought it but we all exclaimed when we saw it. The remainder of the dream involved continuing to follow this guy around town, staying in hotels and trailing him, and sometimes catching up to him.

Writings and Another Look at Long-Ago Love

6-9-2008 Last night's dream

Throughout the dream I was attending a class or lecture or reading group type thing in Oly-. I was at the time in my life where I had just graduated from college, and had moved back home and was looking for a job. My brother was somewhat older than he really would have been at the time, though. Also, I sort of could look forward and back in time in the dream. I remembered and talked about living previously in my apartment at college on my own , and trying to set up a computer network (the memory and attempt weren't anything like my actual experience). Now I was back in my bedroom at my parents house. I had two computers, with different version of windows (98 and 2000) and was trying to network them, but having some difficulties. My father offered advice.

In between I went to this class, I went up there several times, driving my brother. It had already started, I don't think it was one with a beginning or end, just one that people continued to attend. My brother was being required to go by our parents. Each session was lead by a writer with some small reputation in the area and they would lecture and lead the other people through discussions. Attendees had to write assignments from day to day; sometimes they had to turn them in, other times just read them in class. My brother had been attending this for some time, but I was just sort of stepping in now as something to do. Going to and from various sessions of this was the main substance of the dream, but we went so many times and the order mixed around, so I don't know how many times or in what order all of the events happened.

On one occasion it was morning I think and we were trying to get our assignments ready. I was telling my brother than he needed to finish writing his so we could leave, but actually I hadn't really finished mine either. That is, I had written one, and hand-written the other in my notebook but it was quite messy and out of order. I didn't know if we were going to have to turn them in this time, and it would take longer for me to re-write it by hand, so I decided I better type it on the computer, and was trying to do that, as time ran out. This notebook and another one were also a recurrent thread throughout the dream. I had two spiral bound notebooks. One was normal sized and I wrote a lot of assignments in it and notes. I also had a circular one with round pages, which I wrote smaller or shorter things in. Both of them I had crammed into my backpack with a couple other books or notepads, but I kept pulling them out, reading what I'd written, and adding stuff for the various assignments.

On that occasion due to my delay (although I was kind of blaming my brother), we ended up being rather late to the meeting. A woman was lecturing this time and she wasn't as nice as the guy who had been doing it before. She had me read aloud some passage from the book they were reading, and I stumbled over it a lot. The words sort of changed order as I read, so I would read it and it wouldn't make sense, then I would look again and they would be un-transposed. And there were confused parts like "'til Till's till arrived..." which I didn't know if it was intentionally written this way, or I was just stumbling over it.

Another time we went to the meeting I remember going next door afterwards waiting for my brother, there was a small pizza shop. The owner engaged in minor chitchat and I may have had a bite to eat. The room the classes were held in and the pizza shop were both old small buildings, not in the best condition. I drove to and from all the classes with my brother in my old truck.

Another time I arrived well before the meeting was about to start. I did it on purpose because I had seen someone leaving from the class before, whom I knew. It was R-, one of my most enduring crushes (or perhaps an early love, depending on what end of history you look at it from) He also appeared in this dream. I had not seen him since he graduated, as indeed I have not in real life either. I wasn't really planning to meet him, or not meet him, I didn't have a plan, I just came early to see if he would be there.

In fact, he was sitting at the table with his characteristic suitcase. He dressed much the same but looked a little older, unmistakably the same though. I felt a familiar catch in my chest. I was dressed peculiarly, with a weird vest, and my hair was sometimes pulled back into the sort of ponytail I always tried to avoid as child, where the hair on top is in ridges and not all smooth and round. Other times I was covered. I didn't think he would recognize me. He said a few things to me as I came in but without saying he knew who I was. The table he was seated at looked rather like my grandmother's. We were the only ones there as the next group (that I was supposed to be with) had not arrived.

Then he said something to make me realize he did in fact know me. I said as much, do you remember me then? and he said he did, laughing at my assumption that he wouldn't. We talked a little. I said something to indicate a little of what I had once felt, as in fact I'd never told him I was "interested" in him, just basically stalked him. He knew! He wrote something cryptic in my notebook, to the end of that he knew that I knew that I loved him and it might have cryptically indicated that he felt something too. It was like a riddle, I can't remember it now. It made me happy. I looked back at it in the notebook several times later in the dream. I told him then, I'd fallen in love again in college and had my heart broken, and then I'd loved again and gotten married (or would get married...this part is difficult to describe chronologically because at the time the dream is set, I hadn't even gotten a job after college yet, let alone met the man who I would later marry, yet it seemed I knew about this, even though it hadn't technically happened yet in the dream). So in this way we sort of acknowledged our once-feelings, and I learned that they'd been reciprocated, but we also knew that we were on different roads now and didn't expect to make anything of it. Still I was filled with that giddy feeling whenever I thought back on it, which I did several times in the course of the dream, and looked at his note in my book.

The strongest feeling was realizing, but without bitterness of lost opportunity somehow, that he had liked me too, and he was open to it, even though things had changed for both of us. Only the sweetness of this revelation was with me in the dream, not the might-have-beens, and it made my heart happy and fluttery to recall. The writing and the notebooks went around and around everything else. I read and wrote in the dream, and repeated his poem-like shy statement over and over in my head to memorize it, but the morning light washed it away as always, leaving only a positive dull ache, a mere shadow of the feelings in the dream.

A new coworker, a new husband, and a new dimension

6/1/2008
Saturday night/Sunday morning - 3 dreams:

1.
A new employee named M- something (maybe Michael?) has been hired at the place where I work, which is a different place from where I actually work. We have a sunken room with computers around the edge, no cubicles (and different coworkers). M- is a rather obvious geek, and everybody else is sort of put off by him right away. He is tall and gangly, with a peculiar manner, being very particular and exacting and not given to the social graces. This bothers everybody, however it does not bother me and I think he holds great promise. I tell the others this as well. I take a computer across from his and try to help him get started with everything (he's not grateful or any nicer to me, but I still feel he holds a lot of potential value inside).

2.
This dream doesn't really have a clear plot that I can recall, however, I am back at my parent's house and walking through the woods above the house. With me is my husband but it's not my actual husband, in the dream I am married to a guy who used to be Jewish but converted to Islam. We compare various points we have learned. We're relatively newly married and not that familiar with each other, but we like each other pretty well. I am visibly pregnant, and later my parents, myself, and my husband talk on the road. They give me suggestions on which skirt looks better in my condition.

3.
This dream is hard to describe and recall. I am in the city downtown, in a sort of desolate area. There is a place which looks almost like a mirror in the land and the part on the other side is sort of a mirror image of the city on this side, but not quite. Plus it's vary hazy over there. I walk to that side without thinking about it, then I run into a young, skittery person who lives there, maybe on the street. They pull me aside, and explain that I'm not supposed to be able to cross over to this side, it's like another dimension and only this other type of creature (people I guess, but not people like me) can go there, and they can't go back and forth. There's a feeling of mild danger and uneasiness on both sides. I'm not sure why I, of all people, can cross to this other part, I didn't realize I was going into something special. Somehow we determine that the connection may be related to these frozen fruits and vegetables that I got at the grocery store. Flash back to the grocery store scene, I am going through one of those horizontal freezers, picking out fruits and vegetables. I have brought them with me into this other dimension area and the person there is quite eager for them, I get the impression that there's a food shortage here. More stuff is happening but then I wake up and lose it.

A Cool Lunch

May 30 - Thursday night/Friday morning

In the first dream, I am sitting in the back seat of a car parked in the downtown area. It is extremely hot and sunny outside, and I am wearing my long tie-dyed skirt. One of my coworkers, B-, is in the front seat, and we exchange conversation. Unlike in real life, he is being quite nice and I am surprised but happy about this. I have some food with me, a carton of cottage cheese into which I have mixed some chives (I was reading about this in the newspaper last night, it sounded like an odd combination) and some canned fruit in a storage container. I get out of the car and walk down the street looking for a place to eat. I end up going into a store a little ways away which sells dishes. However, walking in you wouldn't know it sells dishes becuase there's a large empty entryway with a bench and two rooms. You have to go through them to get into the actual store part. My sister either comes by while I'm talking and I tell her this, which she did not know before, or I tell her later on the phone. However, I am not here to shop; I've just come because it's cool and air conditioned inside and blazing hot outside. I sit down on the bench and eat my cottage cheese and fruit. A guy might come by to see what I'm doing there, or I was thinking about what would happen if he did.

I had 1 or 2 dreams after this one but I can't remember enough to begin describing anything, although I did right after I woke up (but I had to get ready for work, drat it all). I think my mother was in one of them.

Building a College Fantasy

5/6/2008 Tuesday morning/Monday night

I arrive at my old college, EWU; I am going to start going to school there again (maybe for another degree?). For some reason, I am disguised as a boy. I have my hair styled so it looks like it is short and hanging over most of my face, with a bandanna and a white tee shirt with an illustration on it that is mostly green. This makes my eyes look green.

I walk up to the dorm from the outside, it's apparently my old dorm (although it looks nothing like it, but in the dream I am familiar with it). I have arrived on the very first day, and although I haven't made the necessary preparations in advance or picked up my key, I know that the door will be unlocked for all the students moving in, so I am able to get in. The door leads to steps immediately going steeply down, and then going up again on the other side, then up up up further. I follow them and when I come to the top there is a large gap to step across to the doorway, which if you didn't remember to step across would be dangerous to put your foot in. In the dream I remember needing to step over this gap when going out and down the stairs, from when I was there before.

The door opens out at one end of the hallway in the dorms. There are students wandering everywhere, moving their stuff in and out. In the first room on the left, the door is open and the occupant is seated at the computer, and another person is sitting next to him in a chair with his back mostly to the door. It is my old friend S-, who I haven't seen for so very long. I knew/hoped he would be here, but I wasn't sure. I suppress my excitement and walk past (he will not recognize me in the initial disguise, I think, plus he is looking the other way). My heart is pounding.

I go down the hall looking for an open room. Rather than having rooms assigned, people just choose them and move in on the first day, and many people are already moved in. I realize that this is a bit of a problem, since I am kind of getting back into this at the last minute (I haven't registered for classes either or anything). A girl that I apparently knew before at school recognizes me and says hi, how's it going, etc. and I respond in kind. I realize that my disguise is totally ineffectual if she recognized me anyway, so I may as well take it off. I duck into the nearby bathroom.

I look at myself in the mirror, I don't think I am recognizable in my disguise but apparently I am, so I take off the bandanna and put my hair back where it belongs. My eyes look very green, which I attribute to the influence of the green on the tee shirt. Even the whites of my eyes look tinted with an almost florescent green, apparently a reflection. I wonder if S- will recognize me like this.

I use the toilet, being in some gastric distress. It appears that I have consumed a lot of long plant vines like pathos and onion greens, and I'm in quite a bit of discomfort.

That taken care of, I go back down the hall. People have cleared out a bit. I stop in the doorway of another room near the end of the hall, but on the other side from where he was before, and S- is sitting there, waiting for me. He did see me go past before, and he smiles and is happy to see me after so long. We say hello and other small things. I want to rush forward but I hang in the doorway, unsure of his reception. Now I can't picture him exactly as he was in the dream, but it was very clear then.
I say "well, it looks like I may not get a room on this floor after all, I should have come earlier," or something like that, ruefully, since everybody is snapping them up. He says that he reserved one for me, just a couple doors down from his. I say "Ah you're such a sweety," surprised and pleased. He just smiles, but I see that he has tears sparkling in his eyes, he is, like me, choked up with happiness and emotion at our meeting again. I've never seen him like this before. I know now that it is not just me aching with the fulfilled longing of seeing each other again, and this makes me deliriously happy.

I go down to the room he saved for me to put my stuff there. I am thinking, feeling slightly guilty at our meeting and the fact that I am here with him and enjoying this time and feeling so good. But then I think, it's just a dream, after all. I don't have to feel guilty, I'm not really cheating because it's not real and it's out of my control. Strangely even though I actually THINK to myself that it's a dream and use this to justify my time with him, the dream doesn't become lucid and I can't control anything, plus everything still feels completely real. It's a strange setup. I feel a little sad thinking that it's only a dream, and I'm not going to be here with him all the time. But then I tell myself I should be happy it's a dream. If it were not, he wouldn't be all welcoming to me and certainly wouldn't have gotten me a room right next to him, he would be trying to drive me away instead, rather than acting like I'd always hoped for. Plus I would be cheating on my husband since I'm married now. I think, in real life this is impossible and I'm happy that I have such a better relationship with my husband than things went in the past with S- in real life. At least because this is a dream I can come back and visit it again and again and spend some of my time here, under the dream conditions of our affection. (Even though generally you can't just choose to return to and keep going on the same dream at will, in the dream I think this will work).

I leave my bag in my room and tell S- that I'm just going to go back out to my car and get the rest of my stuff, we will meet up then and go eat or register or something. I go back out to the parking lot. When I get to my car, I see that there is a NEW large dent in the side. It is quite large, and looks like somebody fell out of the sky and landed on the car crushing a dent the shape of their head and upper body. A person standing nearby in the parking lot points it out to me and says that some people were having a fight nearby and one of them must have been thrown against the car. Also for some reason my trunk is open.

I'm somewhat perturbed by this but still in a pretty good happy mood because of S-, so I close the trunk, and hop in the car to get my stuff. I think I will straighten it up a little bit in case S- and I go somewhere in the car later, I'm not sure if he has his car here or not. Then I realize that there is a person in the car, of an unsavory sort... dirty looking with long stringy hair and bad intentions. I don't think he was expecting to see me, just stealing stuff, but the guy pulls me in and locks the doors. I think he has some kind of weapon, but I'm not sure. He starts driving. I am being kidnapped! I am a bit panicky. He goes through my stuff but fails to find anything useful, although he takes my cell phone.

I grab a paper with financial information when he isn't looking and put it into my purse. He drives for a while, it looks sort of like the area near where I grew up, but it's not. I am thinking how I can get the cell phone back and call or message for help while he is distracted. He shows me the phone where he has downloaded additional ringtones and I pretend that I like one of the tunes and want to set it as the default on the phone. He buys this and I fiddle with the phone. Unfortunately while I'm doing this he finds the financial paper in my purse, and tells me so, but I pretend not to be disturbed. I have to call or message for help. He has rearranged everything on my phone though in the course of downloading stuff, and so the normal keys don't go to the same places. I pretend to be setting the ringtone but frantically search through and find recent calls. But S- of course is not in the recent call list, since I haven't called him. My husband is there but I don't call him becuase he is far away and wouldn't be of much help in this situation. I go to the address book on the phone, and S- is there (Not sure when he got there though). I was going to call and whisper but then I realize this will be really obvious and the kidnapper might retaliate, so I send a message saying I'm kidnapped, call the police. Then I just sit back and hope.

I end up being taken to some kind of farm that has dog kennels, and the kidnapper locks me in one of them, presumably while he makes off with the stolen goods. But in a very short time S- arrives with the police and rescues me. I'm impressed since I hadn't actually been able to say where I was. Then I wake up before anything else happens.

Somehow I'm able to enjoy the fantasy of this unrealistic reunion even though I know it's not real (and that I don't even want it to be real since that wouldn't work), and most of the dream I'm just indulging in that and the feelings that accompany it

I find a friend amidst a hostile homeland and prepare for a secret mission

Wednesday 2/13/2008 - Last night's dream.
After many tired nights of fitful sleep, not conducive to dreaming, I actually got to sleep last night. I was still totally exhausted upon waking.

After getting to sleep, I "woke up" again in the dream when I heard the washing machine running. I looked over to the side of the bed where there had been a pile of dirty clothes when I had gone to sleep, and it was diminished. I tiptoed out into the living room and saw that in fact, the washing machine was going, and my husband had come home. The light was on in the study. He had not come to bed. I was sad and crept back to bed (note: this didn't actually happen, the whole waking up scenario was part of the dream, as with the next one. When I woke up in real life he wasn't there and the clothes were still unwashed). I slept for a while longer and when I woke up again, it was early morning (of today, Wednesday, but still in the dream). I walked into the living room and looked out, it had snowed in the night and the tree branches outside the window and the porch were all covered with a fine perfect coating of snow. I was a little surprised that it had snowed as it had been warming up a bit and I hadn't been expecting any more snow this year. My husband was up and he asked me if I was going to stay in because of the snow.

I looked out again, it was only about 1/2 to 1 inch of snow, and I was not going to work today but to visit my parents. I told him that I was still going to go, it wasn't much snow.

Skip ahead to H- Valley, I am arrived to visit for a few days (there's no snow there). It seems like it's been a while since I've been home. My cousin K- is also there. As I walk up to our grandma's house, I meet him and we walk together. He has been home for a while. The lawn in front of her house is no longer a lawn, it's all stripped bare and mounded up in hills, and it's dry and sandy (rocky sand, not beach sand) and dark reddish brown like clay. I am suprised by this. As we walk over the sand hills, I see a small perfect seashell about the size of a wonton, reddish yellow, laying on the sand (it's one of the spiral snail kinds). I pick it up with an exclamation of delight. I see another one of a different kind and pick it up, but it's not as nice so I drop it again. My cousin is not impressed by the find, he tells me it's been like this for a while and there are lots of shells. It seems it has been excavated and the area was once underwater. I get the impression that my grandmother may have past on a while ago and not live there anymore (this isn't new news to me in the dream, and it's not really addressed, there's just that feeling).

Later my cousin, myself, and some other people (my siblings and/or other cousin) go out for a walk across the logging roads. A new neighbor has apparently moved in somewhere between two of our other neighbors on the road, and according to my cousin they are somewhat hostile. My impression is that we kids haven't been home for some time so they don't really know who we are. We walk down to the bottom of a logged area where the trees start again, and there is a small bridge over a creek and we can see a trail continuing on. We start across but a man appears, he has black hair and a beard and outdoorsy clothes, and doesn't look like anyone I know. He yells at us to get out of the area. It's clear that he thinks we are trespassers who are dumping trash on the logging road or hunting or something, not neighbors. We protest but he is gone without understanding.

I end up finishing the walk by myself (I think my cousin went down the trail the guy told us not to). I end up on the road and I am walking past another neighbor's house on the way home (the E-'s). I see Bob and say hello as I pass, he talks to me about something but now I don't remember what. When I get about halfway home, by a bend in the road and creek, I stop. There is a bunch of dumped junk by the side of the road, all sorts of equipment and computer stuff. It's mine and I have to stow it here looking like junk so nobody takes it, becaues I need to pick it up later. The creek is high. I muck about nearby, suspending things over the bank, and I see a kid. He has black hair and looks kind of like a fictional character I used to have called RH. He's younger than me by a few years, and smaller, and he is one of the hostile neighbors. I call out a greeting. At first he is suspicous of me and wants me to get out of there, but I try to calm him down. I tell him I live her but have been away, I'm one of the family that lives up the road, and I describe where my grandma lives (or used to live) on the other side of the logging area. He has heard of the family and is suprised that I'm one of them but he seems to accept this. As we talk I get the idea that he's had trouble with strangers trespassing around the area, and that he's also run into my cousin and gotten a negative impression from him (which doesn't suprise me, since my cousin wasn't exactly trying to proceed softly with the other guy). The kid's name is Riley, and we both take a liking to each other. They live across the creek from the E's, he says. We talk about the other neighbors on the road and who lives there. Although nothing else has really changed from when I used to live there, I really feel like an outsider come home here, like the environment no longer feels I belong (the others of my generation are also affected this way).

We arrange to meet later; as I have to get home for some kind of dinner party, and I have to come back later and get this stuff. I have been assigned a secret mission that involves the equipment, and will be leaving directly after we come back to collect it. Riley wants to come with me on the secret mission and I agree.

I go home to my parent's house and am preparing for some kind of dinner with lots of people coming over. It's unclear exactly when this happens in the timeframe of the rest of the dream. I start making vast quantities of tea and looking for various pots to store it all in, and I am concerned that it will go bitter before the guests arrive. There are other preparations as well but I don't recall them all exactly. I'm stressed about it.

The actual party is skimmed over. Next thing I am out walking again, back down the road from the same walk before. I am wearing a poncho and pants, but nothing else on top and the poncho is flung back over my shoulders. I see a guy and I think it's Bob. He greets me. When I get closer I realize it is not Bob but some other guy (who doesn't even look like him, and is kind of creepy). I pull the poncho down to where it belongs, to cover yourself. The guy seems to want to talk with me, making complimentary but creepy remarks, but I hasten past with few words.

I end up at the bend in the creek again. The equipment is still there, and I start the laborious process of hauling it all out of hiding and folding it up. Parts are suspended over or submerged in the creek, or hidden in an old desk, and there are also cables plugging various bits together. I am working fast becuase I need to leave soon on the secret mission, and I don't want anyone to drive by and see me or get suspicious. My cousin and siblings show up and want to know what I'm doing. I don't want to talk about the secret mission becuase I can't explain it here, of course. They are persistent and purposefully annoying with their questions, trying to get me to explain. Riley shows up as planned. He is angry to see my cousin there (having previously run into him) but I quickly explain to my family that I know who Riley is and he is one of the new neighbors, and is coming with me, and I explain to him that my cousins aren't really intruders.

Once they hear that Riley is going with me, of course, they want to come too. I am irritated but finally I tell them it's a secret mission and they insist that they want to come, so I give in. But I won't tell them any of the details now. I get all of the stuff hauled up and am ready to go when another kid shows up. He is small and pale, with buzz cut blond hair, and seems to be slightly mentally disabled. He tells me he wants to go on the secret mission to. He has a toothpick which he is playing with. He pokes me with it. I ask him about something to do with the toothpick, (like, does he want to take it with him) and use his response as a reason why he can't come. I feel a little mean about this but it's impossible to reason with him. He's unhappy but accepts the explanation. He ends up breaking the toothpick in half by accident. The rest of us are all set to leave on the Secret Mission, but then I wake up for real this time.

The overall feeling in the dream is somewhat despondent and depressive, although it has good moments like finding the shell and Riley, who I enjoy being with. I am having trouble sleeping even in the dream world. Also I am irritated a lot and stressed by preparing for things, like the party and the secret mission, and the other people except Riley annoy me very easily.

Another return to college - with many campus changes

Wednesday 1/30 - Last night's dream

We are back going to my old college, EWU, again. My husband is going to enroll in classes there, I'm not a student but am living there too. At first we have a small apartment in the nearby city, S-, except it looks like P- in the dream. I don't like living there, and I convince my husband that it would be better for us to get a room in one of the dorms (or married student housing, if we can't live in the dorms) or an apartment near campus.

So, we move there. I go to see the campus. It's close to the start of the quarter or the first day of class. I am wandering around by myself looking at everything. All the empty space that used to be in the campus (malls, walkways, lawns, etc) has been filled up with all sorts of brightly colored and somewhat garish constructions, including music venues, eateries, and things that look like public art. I can barely recognize it. I am a little dismayed at the changes, it makes it look crowded and ugly. There are people streaming all over the place. Music is playing and there are a lot of students out and about, hanging out. I wander through the crowds, looking at and climbing on the strange colored constructions. I can't tell what some of them are for, one looks sort of like a brightly colored electrical transformer station with forks (the kind you eat with) attached ornamentally. They all appear to be additions for entertainment, not new study halls.

I have forgotten the name of the hall that we got our room in and am trying to find my way back to it. My husband got mad at me over something and took the room key, so I don't actually have a way to get in. I'm not sure where he's gone to either, but am not expecting to find him. Night has started to fall. I know I can ask somebody at the door to let me in and say I've lost my key, but I can't remember the name of the building we've just moved in to, so I roam around aimlessly trying to remember its name or where it is. I think it is yellow colored but I can't be sure.

I walk into a building but it turns out to be some kind of clothing store. The door was unlocked, but the store is closed for the day and the lights are off, and when I realize this, I quickly try to find my way back to the front door. When I come out, I pass by 4 young girls, maybe a bit younger than me, who are wearing hijab but dressed in a trendy manner with lots of denim. They look like they are from around Indonesia or Malaysia. I think of asking them for directions but they ignore me and talk together as they walk past, so I don't say anything. I try another door but it is a bathroom (somewhat grimy) so I come out again. I've totally lost track of where our dorm is and feel sort of panicky and lost, but resigned to it. I think about how I should put my key on a lanyard around my neck, the way many people used to carry their dorm keys when I was in school (I think I kept mine in my pocket at the time). I wander across the crowded campus again, observing all the happy rowdy people in a detached way. There is a girl with long reddish brown hair past her waist, laughing with a young dark haired guy, and many others I look at. I wonder if the other students know that I'm not a student anymore, or if they think I'm one of them.

Missing a past and nowhere to go

January 26^th - Saturday morning's dream

My parents and family have been arrested for something and all taken away, and the house is barricaded off by the police or FBI or something. All record of their existence has been removed from public record, but I don't think they are dead, just being held somewhere. I was the only one not taken, but I'm not sure why this is (or what crime they had been involved with). I am driving around a small hilly area somewhere in town, in the old pickup I used to drive which once belonged to my parents. The gas is almost empty. I drive back and forth in a several block area, looking for somewhere, but I don't remember where I was trying to get. I don't have anywhere to go home to now. In the dream I was still working for the old company I used to work for, and apparently was living at home. I now will not be able to go back to work there, also I won't be able to get another job because the fact that I worked there has been erased (I think the entire company has been "removed" similarly, or if not that, the fact that I had worked there for 5 years) so I have no employment history or references.

I drive up and down in the truck. I don't have enough gas to get up to a gas station at the top of the hill, so I leave the truck and start walking up to the gas station a short distance away. The path I take is through a flooded streambed in a nearby woods, clogged with fallen logs. I carry an enormous piece of driftwood (which I can somehow lift over my head despite its size) which I put down as a bridge across each flooded place, then pick it up and carry it to the next place to use again. It gets smaller and smaller with each use until it is used up. I arrive at the gas station. It's creepy and made of old concrete. I realize that I don't have any clothes on, so I can't buy gas, and also I don't have anything to put the gas in anyway. There is a Goodwill or similar clothing thrift store nearby, and I think of going there to get some clothes. But then I realize that when you have no clothes at all, it's nearly impossible to get any. It's very difficult to get any normal task done when you've lost your clothes, even getting new ones. People will freak out instead of just giving me some clothes, and possibly think I am crazy.

I decide to return to my parents’ house, which nobody is at but it's cordoned off with police tape and some kind of electronic security surveillance. I sneak into my bedroom past the security devices and pack a suitcase with some things. I think I might come back later but who knows if I will be able to. I can only take as much as I can carry, mostly clothes.

Then, I go to the house of my former riding instructor (in the truck, which I guess I got gas for after I got some clothes) not too far away and well out in the country. She and her significant other are somewhat surprised to see me but they know what has happened to my family. I have nowhere else to go and I can't get work or stay anywhere because my past has been erased, so I don't know what to do. They realize this. She mentions that they have a little room and there are a bunch of odd jobs that they've been meaning to get to, implying that I can stay there and work for her in exchange. I'm not ungrateful although I realize that they can easily take advantage of my situation in getting work out of me.

The house is extremely messy. I look around it thinking that I will clean it up and put it in order, like the protagonist of a book which I recently read (in the waking world as well as in the dream) who stays with somewhat messy foster parents. My riding instructor tells me that if I'm going to stay there, I should know that it was they who orchestrated the crime that eventually led to my parents' arrest, and they are going to continue doing these crimes (some kind of robbery I think). I accept this situation (what can I do, anyway?). Then she asks if they can take my truck to go to town, and I say sure. After they leave I realize that the authorities know whose truck it is, and so they will be tracked down and caught. I envision living here on my own, in this remote holdout. I'm not entirely sure if the authorities will eventually come after me, or not, but it seems best to stay out of the public eye.

A Black Silk Scarf with Roses

Last night's dream

This one slipped away from me in scattered disarray driven by the early rays of dawn (okay, more like mid-morning), like spectators departing after a parade. Apparently I can't remember well when I'm too tired, either, and having been sleep-deprived all week, I'm now exhausted.

The only scene I remember is I am standing trying on a large black silk scarf with red roses all over it. It's triangular, or a folded square. There are several similar options to buy which I also look at. My sister and I think my mother are also there. I'm a little confused if I'm buying it for myself, or for my sister (although it seems like it's for someone who isn't there, and my sister is there). I think from other scattered images that we are in a set of outlet malls that I visited in an earlier dream several weeks ago.

Only now when I recall it, I realize this is a reference to a book I was reading last night in which one of the characters mentions in passing that she bought a black scarf with roses on it for her sister.

A strange visit to the optometrist

1/4/2008 - This morning's dream

Only a few scenes stand out clearly. I can't remember enough of the first part of the dream leading up to this segment, or exactly what happens after it, although the dream continues on in both directions.

I am going to an optometrist's office. It's one I haven't been to before, I am new in town. It's a small office, when I walk in the door there is a doctor, probably in his 30's, seated in an examining chair, right inside the door, tilted backwards (where a patient would sit). He has short black straight hair, and a white coat, and is main optometrist. When he looks up at me, I explain that I'm here for somebody else (maybe my husband?). I am not actually being examined today, but we are doing preliminary tests and I'm getting to know the doctor. Later, I or someone else will return for an actual appointment. The main optometrist in the chair sends me off with another guy who is sort of an assistant optometrist. This guy is much older, with gray hair. We go into a back room. As we go in, the old optometrist asks me if I know of a good contact lens solution. Do I have any problem with my contacts getting dry? He also wears them, apparently. It strikes me as odd that he is asking me (a patient) this, thinking I would know more about it, but I tell him what kind I use and say it's been working fine. In fact, I had been thinking about asking if he knew a better one, but I decide against it after this conversation. He is nice enough but doesn't seem that knowledgeable.

Once in the room, we sit at a small wooden table and talk. He says he's going to give me some preliminary tests, which consist of looking at some pictures which are of the "magic eye" sort and similar optical illusions. Except these versions are very clear and amazingly realistic, they don't look like regular magic eye pictures at all. One of them shows a brown version of buildings, sort of escher-esque. I comment on how nice these magic eye pictures are, I've never seen any like this. He agrees that they are quite nice, not like the common ones you find in the newspaper comics. (They actually did used to print them there when they became popular a few years ago, although I haven't seen them there for a while). There's actually an example of one of the usual ones there in the office, in a newspaper which has the comics page showing. I am trying to look at it to compare without him noticing, since he's still talking and that would be rude, but I try to sort of sneak looks at it.

For a while we talk amiably, but then I grow increasingly uncomfortable, and he also changes into a different person, younger, and sort of disturbing or creeping me out. I prepare to leave, but before I do so I put on some different clothes out of a backpack, over my existing clothes. They're a pair of pink pants and a sort of maroon or purple top.

The next part of the dream is unclear and somewhat confusing, but it involves me going into another room, I'm not sure it's in the same building but it has a stark medical look. There is a large machine that looks sort of like a printing press. It's used for some kind of physics-defying travel, maybe time travel or jumping from location to location. I think I or someone else uses this machine but the dream becomes increasingly mixed up at that point, and bops around from place to place, including a trail behind the house and someone else's house, and other people enter the picture. A lot more happens before and after the eye doctor which is related, but I've lost the linear thread of what happens.

Looking for a gift, finding crazy people

In the part I remember, I spent a lot of time walking and driving around downtown. It did not actually look like Port-, but I think it was supposed to be. The house I lived in looked sort of like one of my old houses in A-. I went over to my brother's house with him to get a present for our mother on her birthday. He had apparently forgotten to get one. First we drove to a nearby shop that sold maps and similar artifacts. I looked at theses (there were bumpy maps, globes, many small map items) and thought to myself that she might like them, but my brother didn't find what he was looking for and we left again. Then, we went to another nearby shop which sold comic books or something, but it was closed. It was getting late in the day, the afternoon was sunny but not particularly warm. We went back to his apartment. He started sorting through some drawings and comic pages he had made, in black and white, looking for one to give to her.

My aunt K- either stopped by or was going to stop by but went to my house instead, becuase we were intending to go back there. My vehicle was still there, I'd come here in my brother's. We told her we'd meet her there for lunch or dinner. But, when we called my house, expecting to find her (and arrange to eat), she was no longer there. We decided she had gotten tired of waiting and left, which made me a little disappointed.

While my brother was sorting through all his stuff, my father showed up. My father and I drove around and we went up a steep hill. It had a mansion at the top which we wall knew about, which my sister had mentioned in relation to her work, and we pointed it out and talked about it. A governor lived there, called governor margeauruex, or something like that, she was a somewhat eccentric older woman. We saw her leaning out on the balcony of the mansion, looking down. As we drove up the steep hill, a woman was walking up the hill with the cars, to the right of us. My father commented on how she was dressed up and must be going somewhere special, she was wearing a silky evening gown in a very pale cream color. I then saw that she was wearing socks (and no shoes), and said she was probably crazy instead. He said that going sockfoot didn't necessarily mean she was crazy. But as we watched, she started walking on her hands and feet (not knees), and she crossed the road and ran this way into a parking lot on the right, which eventually led up to the governor's mansion. I don't think she was wearing anything under the gown, besides her socks, and decided that she was in fact crazy.

We returned to my brother's apartment. He was still sorting through stuff. My father lay down on a couch or chair and covered himself, evidently planning to sleep here and spend the night. My brother was complaining to my father about how I kept blowing air on him, on his ears. I laughed at said he made it sound romantically inclined. He said it was annoying and irritating. After other idle chitchat it became clear that they were both planning to stay here, so I decided I was going home. I would have to walk, becuase the my brother's vehicle was here, and mine was at home. It was a ways, although not insurmountable to walk, but I noticed that darkness had started to fall and some people would not consider this wise. I announced my intention to head back, and neither my brother or father made any comment about walking back in the dark (or driving me back), so I headed off.

Exciting Encounters

12/10/2007 - Sunday night's/this morning's dream
I went to stay for a visit at my parents' house. There was a house that was far up the hill in the woods which my aunt K- was selling as a duplex. She'd asked if I wanted to rent or buy one half of it, and I had agreed.

We hiked up the hill to look at the duplex. Others were trying to convince me not to go look at it becuase it wasn't ready, but I wanted to see it. The trail was lushly overgrown and very steep, but we came up to the house nestled in the trees. They also tried to prevent me from going into one of the bedrooms (either in the duplex or in my parent's house) where I planned to stay that night, but I went in anyway, there was nothing unusual there.

Then while I was unpacking my stuff and changing for dinner, my friend H- popped in! I hadn't seen her for a long time. I realized that she'd been there as a surprise and this was why they hadn't want me to go into the room, becuase they thought she was in there. We was very excited to see her, and we reunited happily and later went out and ate dinner with the rest of my family.

I was intending that my friend H- or my cousin would live in the other half of the duplex, but my parents let slip that my sister was planning to live there, possibly with my cousin. I was quite upset about my sister living in the other half along with me and tried to get them to stop her from doing so. She was unmoved and acted like it was my problem.

Later I went with my husband back to S. A. His hair was longer than usual, combed back and shiny, and he led me to where we were going to stay for the time being in a very fancy hotel. We walked past a grassy hill which he ran up and down, he was very full of energy and excited. There were lots of other people around, mostly women. We went into a restaurant, and as he walked through he made a hand signal (similar to the one indicating that you don't want anymore coffee) to the person at the drink bar (non-alcoholic) which meant to prepare two of his signature drink--he was evidently well known even though he hadn't been there for a while. People greeted and acknowledge him as he went through. I was wearing several overlapping bandannas, black and white, and the rest of my hair was down. As I entered the restaurant, with him, I was given a wide, rectangular, black piece of fabric which was meant to be draped over the back of my hair from the top of my head, and then pulled over my shoulders to the front, like a shawl. This appeared to be standard, other women were dressed the same way and were given the scarf as they entered. I put it on in the same way, and I thought I looked nice.

We didn't actually eat there in the dream, but then we were outside again on the steps going up to the hotel where we were staying. On the steps, my husband put his arms around me from the right side and pulled my collar open to the right and started kissing me enthusiastically. There were quite a few people, mostly women, standing around. I was a little embarrassed, although I liked it as well, and giggling nervously I tried to cover the exposure and his head with my hand, fairly ineffectually since my hand wasn't big enough. I could tell that the women, who were staring openly, were a little jealous. After a while he continued into the building with a flourish and one of the other women said to me as I followed that some people (like me) handle such things better than others. She sounded both disapproving and wishful. I continued in after him, walking through a fancy lobby, and he showed me the room where we were staying, and said he would have to leave for a bit. It was a large well-furnished and well-stocked suite next to a workout room, with windows into it. The interior walls of it and our suite, and the others nearby, were mostly made of transparent glass. At first I thought it was a bit odd that you could see into the gym from the rooms (and vice versa). Then I realized then that he'd picked the proximity to the gym for both his and my benefit for convenience in working out, and it was a good thing. He had several dvds in the room for me to amuse myself with until he came back, and he mentioned another movie that we should see, and I agreed that he should pick it up.

The Most Embarassing Moment of My Life

12/7/2007 - Last night's/this morning's dream

I was at some sort of long term class or retreat or training with a bunch of people from work. I was staying in a room with a few other people from my department at work (D-, T- and some others), adjoining a large hall where meetings were held (other people were also staying in rooms in the building or nearby. The building was near the beach. I must have been there for the long haul, because I had both my cats with me. There was a guy there (who I don't know in real life) who people keep asking me if I'd met up with, and saying that he had said he wanted to meet me or we should get to know each other. His name was Josh or Gerald or something beginning with a J sound. My mother had also mentioned him to me before I left. He had a long, disinterested and slightly above you face, and blond/reddish curly hair. I had a vague idea of who he was, having seen him around, but had not interest whatsoever in meeting up with him, he didn't strike me the right way.

Then came the most embarrassing incident of my life (dream or waking).

I woke up in the room, and still half asleep and tired, and in my pajamas (the same ones I was in at the time of the dream, actually), I got up and stumbled across the hall to the bathroom. I left my pajama bottoms there, and had just discarded my pajama top in the entryway going into the bathroom, when I suddenly realized that there were people in the room. The entire hallway was filled with tables and other people from the retreat eating breakfast, both in the room I'd just walked across and the one I'd been about to enter. I was completely naked (except for my underwear), and had somehow walked across the room in my half-asleep state without realizing that I was disrobing in front of people.

The embarrassment was in every part of me, but there was nothing I could do, although I retreated after standing there with people staring at me for an unknown period of shock. I didn't know how I'd done this. Moments later, it got worse. The J-guy had taken a picture or video with his cell phone and had emailed it to the entire company. I knew that it was only a matter of time (very short time) until it appeared in the newspaper. Not only had the entire company seen me now and would know what I'd done, including my bosses and the CEO, back home, but also my parents! My husband, who hadn't wanted me to go to this thing in the first place! To add to the complete mortification, J- whatever his name was included comments in the email about my chubbiness and general bad shape of my body (exposed to all the world as it was). To not only be videotaped and distributed (which I didn't specifically fault him for, as if I knew that having done that, someone was bound to have taken a picture), but also criticized for the body I was exposing!

The members of my team who were there had been shocked and dumbfounded when I'd walked out, they were unsure what to make of it or why I'd done it. They weren't condemning me, and I guess could see that I'd been half asleep, but they didn't know what to say. I could tell they felt sorry for me but shocked at the same time. One of them, D- wrote me a note saying that I wasn't that chubby (as J- had said in his email accompanying the video, and also had been quoted in articles) and hadn't looked bad. He was trying to make me feel better and I did appreciate it.

It didn't end there though. I had to continue going through the seminar, passing by and talking to all these people, knowing that they'd seen me walk out naked. What sort of example had I made? I didn't know how I could keep going as embarrassed as I was, but somehow I did. Whenever I looked at anybody there I felt completely humiliated and mortified. This went on for days, continuing the seminar. It came out in the paper, and of course was posted online and on youtube, and people continued to whisper about it or mention it openly as I passed, while I tried not to react. No sort of explanation was really possible for me to make.

My cats wove in and out of the dream quite a bit, they were staying there with me in my room (which now seemed to be just me). I don't know how I kept going through the sessions but I did, it wasn't as if I could rewind or undo it, I just had to continue. Towards the end of the dream, I walked out and talked to a neighbor about the items that were in our respective yards (things from the beach, I think). I wondered if the neighbor had heard about me and suspected they probably had, who could avoid it. Then I walked down to the beach with my cat A-. He had been doing something interesting, but I don't remember the details anymore.

Crossing Flooded Stairs

11/27/2007 - Saturday Night's Dream

At one point I was walking across the city. When I set out, I put on a very colorful outfit, almost clown-like in its many colors. I was somewhat doubtful about it but I don't think I had any other choices. I crossed a large open plaza with a huge number of steps going down and up hills on either side, and steps across the bottom. It was like a deep gully filled with steps. It was sunny and warm and the stairs were nicely made of cream concrete, like on a college campus. After crossing to the other part of town, I did whatever I'd come to do (I don't remember what) and sometime later, I set out back across. I walked through an area of the neighborhood I hadn't been in before, and I saw a large white sign with red letters. I don't remember all of what it said, but it was calling this area (street, district, etc) with my name. As far as I know it was not named after me, but I thought it was an odd coincidence. I wanted to go back and tell the people I'd just been visiting, but I realized I had to get home. I thought I might come back with a camera and take a picture of the sign.

It had been raining, and possibly the river had also risen in addition to that, but when I came back to the stairs the bottom of the valley was flooded with water for a short distance, several feet deep. There were some people standing on the steps on either side but they weren't crossing. I got the impression that this happened regularly, like a tide, and they were going to wait for it to go down again. I had to get home and there was no other way so I started across the water, walking through it. Partway through it occurred to me that this was probably very dangerous, but oh well... I had to cross at any rate.

A money-making scheme, a sexual revelation, and a group of five

Sunday, November 11th - Two dreams from last night

In the first dream, I can only remember a few details. I had come up with a brilliant plan to sell hairbrushes built like human hairbrushes as dog hairbrushes, because I'd discovered that they worked a lot better on dogs than dog hairbrushes. Of course, they would cost a lot more than either, which was the marketing gimmick... brilliant, I thought! I gushed enthusiastically to several people and family members about my scheme. Everybody else pretty much thought my plan stunk, probably because it did.

The other detail I remember from this dream was that my sister revealed she was a lesbian. She expected me to have already figured this out, I think. At first, I was totally shocked, but then I remembered her telling me on many occasions about lesbians who approached her thinking she was lesbian, and I thought that maybe telling me about these had been her way of trying to let me know.

I'm 99% sure she isn't.
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second dream
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There is a group of 5 kids who hang out together, four boys and a girl, probably between 10 and 12 years old. They wander around the fall neighborhood, looking at the leaves and such, and pick up the pumpkins that are still good from people's yards, with the idea of reusing or selling them, dodging the neighbors that don't want them picking through their yards.

A costume contest is coming up at school, or they have to go in in costume the next day at any rate. One of the kids, a boy with thick black hair (who seems to be my primary character in the dream - I don't appear as myself) is very poor and not looking forward to this very much. However, he has a big crush on the girl and is trying to impress her and get her to notice him. The others get dressed the next day and head out to wait for the bus, wondering where he is. They find he has spent the night sleeping in a garbage can nearby, which is almost full with a layer of leaves on top, and him on top of that. He did this to be sure that he wouldn't be late that morning, and he heaves out of the can and joins them, with some kind of rudimentary costume on.

To be in a play or not to be in a play

11/6/2007 - Most recent dream of last night/this morning
I had at least three dreams last night but they are all pretty hazy by now, although I remembered them briefly after each one. This was the one I could remember enough of to describe, and was the last one before I woke up.

I was with a female companion, not sure if friend or relative, and we were walking around downtown P-. We heard there was a contest going on for play writers; they would each come up with original short plays and "play off" against each other for the best one, who would get a prize. We were uninterested in the idea, putting it down.

Then, we run into one of my coworkers, J-. He is very excited and tells us about how he has entered the contest and is putting on a play that day, and needs our help as extras in the cast. Will we do it? It'll be fun! In a switch from my early attitude, I agree. We set off, we are now in my apartment building (which doesn't look much like mine, and is closer to downtown, but it's where I live in the dream.

As we head out, J- asks hesitantly if I want to change before we go. I suddenly realize that I am just wearing jeans and a tee shirt (striped pink). My hair is uncovered and is cut in a bob (which it was last cut like when I was 17, and before that I wore it that way when I was 12-13). I say yes, and hurry back to my apartment, as they wait in the hall.

As I'm coming in the door, my cell phone starts ringing, but I don't get to it before it goes to voicemail. I check the display, and it's my husband. I will call him back as soon as I get my clothes on, I hurriedly dress. Just as I finish, though, I hear the key in the lock and he comes in. He has run into the others in the hallway and they told him of the plan, and he is angry about it. He tells me that I am not going to be in the play, and asks why I didn't tell him/call him back, etc., while I attempt to offer excuses about how it's just for fun and how I was just going to call him and tell him when he walked in.

Overall mood:
In the earlier part of the dream I felt disinterested, mocking the play. Then, when I was invited to participate, I was excited, and felt daring, but a little apprehensive of my husband's reaction (although I planned to tell him, I delayed it). I anticipated him to be angry and react the way he did, although I sort of imagined if I'd been able to explain it first, I might have gotten away with it. When he was angry and said I couldn't go, I was also angry and unhappy, although fearful of his reaction as he acted like I'd been hiding something.

Trapped by a stranger's crazy mother

Monday, November 5th 2007 - Last night's dream

I was at a class or meeting of some kind, and some people had made an apple cannon, which they were firing off to great fun and general excitement by all. During the activities, I met someone and got invited to their house for dinner and to spend the night. I accepted. Afterwards I realized that my new friend was a boy about 12, which it occurred to me in the dream was a little odd (I may have been younger in the dream but it still struck me this way, because of the age difference, not because there was any flirting going on, which there was not). At any rate, I had already accepted since I felt more uncomfortable about backing out than the odd choice of friend, so off I went to his house in Ol- or L-, where he had a large, happy, friendly. and welcoming family. There were several other kids and I no longer felt particularly uncomfortable, and engaged in chitchat and games with the family.

We had dinner, and then as the evening wore on his mother sort of became unhinged. She had started out very friendly and bubbly, happy and energetic. Then she started to get angry and crazy, although still with a smile on her face. His mother had dark reddish brown hair, straight to her shoulders, and heavy, shaped matching eyebrows, and I think green or dark eyes. She was young and petite, probably in her 30s. Her face was angular and would have probably been attractive if it wasn't for the crazed expression that developed. She started loudly shooing people around the house, and declared that it was "no doorknobs time" and we had to keep all the doors open, and several other pronouncements that I no longer remember, and started to get scary.

The boy who I'd come with was short, with light brown hair in a bowl cut. I discovered that his hair covered a deformed ear that had been cut or damaged in some way by his mother during one of her crazy sessions. He and the other kids and the father acted as if they'd seen this behavior before, and worked around it. It was clear that they didn't like it and were scared of her when she got like this, but they didn't know what to do.

The hidden side of her either became apparent in the morning or I ended up staying the night anyway because I couldn't escape. In the morning I was in a small room which they'd made up for me to spend the night in, getting dressed. I was hurriedly getting clothes out of my overnight bag and packing everything else. I realized that somehow I was going to have to gather up my various things that were left around the house without the mother noticing that I was trying to leave until I had everything and could make a break for it, there would be or already had been an effort to keep me captured here.

I had the door partly closed, but not shut, and was trying to put on a bra, but none of them would fit. There were two in my bag that were brand new, which I'd bought the night before at the mall nearby. One was black with a black pattern, and the other was light green with a pattern of tiny dark green leaves. The problem was, both of them were too small, which was confounding since they were brand new. I frantically rooted through the overnight bag--I seemed only to have dressy clothes, like a black skirt and black pantyhose, that would take too long to throw on and escape. I was also supposed to have my TaeKwon-Do suit in there, because I was supposed to go to a workout later (which might also have been my excuse for leaving them, I didn't really want to go to it but I did want to get out of here any way possible), but I realized that somehow I had not packed it.

As I struggled to get dressed, the mother burst in with a crazy glint in her eye and said she THOUGHT she had announced that it was no doorknobs time, wasn't that right? I tried to make excuses that the door had not actually been closed, but she started yelling about no doors or locks, and called on one of her young daughters to back her up. The girl was 6 or 7, with light blond hair, and she was too young to realize that her mother was off her rocker, things like no doorknob time were apparently normal to her (the mother although striking fear into my heart still had a "happy" face frozen on). She sent her daughter around removing knobs and doors, ranting maniacally, as I frantically continued dressing, trying to figure out a way to get out of there.

A leap not of faith - deeply affecting me

10/30/2007 - Last night's dream

Someone tells me that a former coworker of mine, who I thought had quit or gotten fired, had actually committed suicide. At first I think it is "Eric," a former coworker at my current workplace (who looks like an actual former coworker at my current workplace, who I didn't know very well), but it turns out to be someone called Billy Graham, Jr., at my previous job. (I didn't recognize him as an actual coworker from there in the waking world. Also he is apparently no relation to the famous Billy Graham, despite the name).

Apparently, over a year ago when everyone thought he was fired or let go, he actually had jumped off one of the 400-towers at my previous workplace, to his death. I am completely shocked to learn this. I'm also shocked that nobody told me this at the time and I didn't know, since it happened while I was there. In my recollection, he was a tall, somewhat gangly fellow, probably in his 20's, with light brown hair. He also taught classes on doing things in the outdoors (perhaps survival classes) at local colleges. I knew of him at work but didn't work with him directly, but now am quite caved in by the news.

A bit later, same dream, I am at a house, which I think is mine. It's not like any house I've actually lived in, and I don't think it's supposed to be. In the dream it is located near where I actually live now, although the terrain is more like SW W-. It is an old house, painted gray. A few people including my sister are with me, and we are hanging up wet clothes to dry in the house. It seems like we were out walking and got caught in a rainstorm and soaked. It's still drizzly out now and throughout the dream. There are so many wet clothes, I am afraid that they are going to steam up the inside of the house and not dry. As I am carrying clothes inside from the van which is parked out front, I realize that you can see through the large front window all the way through the house and out the back window, because I can see my sister in the backyard bringing clothes in. The windows each have a plain, white or light colored curtain completely covering them, which I thought prevented people outside from seeing in very clearly. Now I realize that they can see my quite easily when I am inside, which I don't like.

A short time later, I am riding in my mother's van with my mother and my cousin. My mother is driving, and my cousin sits in the back with me. They have come together to visit me, meeting at that house earlier in the dream, and we are now driving somewhere nearby, a wooded area. I talk to my cousin, mostly to have something to talk about as we haven't always gotten along in the past. She mentions that they had some trouble finding my house, and I agree that it's hard to find. If you don't turn at the correct spot, which is easy to miss, you have to keep going because you run into a bunch of one-way streets, and eventually 3 or 4 streets later you have to turn right and you end up at a small graveyard, where you can turn around.

Casting around for another topic, I ask her who used to teach the outdoors classes that she took a while back. I know already that it was Billy Graham, Jr., and it's not so much that I care to inform my cousin about what happened, as that I desperately need to tell SOMEone the news. She says it was Billy Graham, Jr., and mentions a few details about the classes. I am bursting to reveal the news, not in an excited way, but in the way it is when you have learned something bad or creepy and you have to tell someone so you aren't the only bearer of this information. I let some pauses go by and then say, Guess what? and tell her about the suicide. She is shocked along with me. It's just unimaginable thinking of how he killed himself jumping off the tower, and I was even THERE, and thought he had just quit or been fired, and everyone went along with it without much question when he wasn't there, and NOBODY TOLD me. It was like they were trying to keep it quiet, to keep the bad feeling away.

My mother then mentions offhand that my husband and I have such a wonderful marriage, the best one that she knows of among all the people she knows even herself. She is so happy for us. I feel extremely guilty knowing that it's not so great as it appears, but I can't tell her and don't even want to tell her and make her feel sad.

We stop the car and are preparing to go hiking in the woods, and we will visit someone on the other end. We take backpacks and my mother asks me to bring some dried fruit from the car, to give to the person that we will meet at the end of the hike. It's a man, but not someone I know. I get the dried fruit from the car, it is prunes and dried apricots in a coffee can. I take some new, freshly dried ones and place them on top to fill up the can. The new ones are enormous, one dried half being almost as large as the diameter of the coffee can. I think about how new fruit just keeps being added to the top, and likely when the guy we are giving this to digs down to the bottom, there are going to be some old moldy pieces of dry fruit, which will disgust him. However, I don't dig down to get them out, just add the pieces on top and bring it up to my mother to put in her pack.

I wake up with "The only boy who could ever reach me, was the son of a preacher man" stuck in my head, despite the apparent lack of connection to Billy Graham, and find myself wondering what the suicidal guy is supposed to teach me... that the answer is jumping off a tall building? It seems like there are too many metaphors here for me to possibly sort through. The whole dream was laced with tenseness, guilt, hidden things being revealed, and a sad feeling. The dead guy in my dream doesn't seem to be a real person in the waking world, but I did learn about 2 months ago that someone I used to know recently committed suicide, and it had a big effect on me. His ghost showed up in another dream, shortly thereafter, which I didn't log here due to other disturbing content.